August 26, 2010
I feel like I’m in a different class than my roommate. And I don't mean that I’m
class of 2013 and he’s 2012. I’m talking about evolution. He likes to watch Youtube
videos of people hurting themselves, I prefer C-Span. He slugs Mountain Dew from
the can, I enjoy Perrier out of a brandy snifter. He walks around the room naked,
I generally don my robe and pipe. Does IWU offer any classes on, well, class?
Let’s get one thing straight—only my mom calls me Thomas. Seriously, I could have
you shipped out of here and sitting in class in Rock Island by Tuesday, drooling alongside
all the other dolts that wanted to be Titans but couldn’t hack it.
Now, with that unpleasantness behind us, let me address your question. Your roommate
situation sounds not unlike that of my eighth junior year. I was working toward an
important degree for me—it was going to make an even dozen IWU BAs for yours truly—and
I roomed with a Neanderthal of a guy who picked at his toe nails with ball point pens
and gulped down revolting cocktails of Cheez Whiz and whipped cream. I did my best
to cohabitate, and we generally got along fine—but I would have much preferred he
be a bit more dignified. Sadly, then, as now, there was no course offered at IWU
to class him up. Perhaps if all the disgusted roommates were to petition, we could
augment the curriculum. Because there is a need. As The Countess will tell you,
money can’t buy you class—and elegance is learned, my friends.
August 16, 2010
How was your summer? What did you do?
--TANNED AND RESTED
The mid-summer heat gets pretty intense for a 7-foot, 260-pound, fuzzy mascot, so
I typically spend a good deal of time in July and August floating through the icy
cool waters of Fort Natatorium with no toga. Unfortunately, so much fuzz got caught
in the filter this year that they had to shut down the pool for repairs, relegating
me to public swimming holes. As you might imagine, two weeks of sharing pee-saturated
waters with screaming kids was enough, and I opted to spend the remaining few weeks
visiting CCIW campuses, doing reconnaissance work. My findings? Augie is still the
saddest excuse for an institution of higher learning that I’ve ever seen.
Welcome, new Titans, to “Ask Tommy”—and welcome back, fellow champions of the green
and white! We ride together to the promised land on the strength and beauty of our
proud institution, smiling down upon the foes who have fallen at the tip of our blade,
pleading for the mercy of the great. We forge ahead with steely resolve and frightful
force until we reach our destination high atop this land of corn-choked plains, frothy
seas, and snow-capped mountains. We will not rest until the name Illinois Wesleyan
rings proudly in the ears of the holy and strikes fear in those who dare oppose us.
Let’s have a great year. Keep firing questions at me, and I’ll keep spewing out awesomeness.